What Happens in Illinois Can Now Stay in Illinois

Illinoisans no longer have to drive to Iowa to get married! Have you any idea how boring that drive is? Dull.

Marry who you want, marry the person that makes you happy, and marry them at home, in Illinois.
 
Equality is important, and now it's the law.

Licensed to Wait in Line

My great aunt Margaret didn't learn to drive until she was in her fifties, after her husband died.  It took her several attempts to pass the test. Her first stab at the driving portion was stopped abruptly when the examiner told her to pull over immediately, "pull over or else I'll be forced to give you a ticket". It took three tries, several coaches, numerous dents to the fender, but eventually she passed and was awarded by the state of Missouri a license to drive a car. The good people of Missouri are still recovering.

I bested Margaret by one shot when I took the initial driving test, having only to suffer through that most harrowing of exams twice. At 46 I have not been asked to drive for a grade since, thank God. But this year, thanks it seems to a speeding ticket received down state several years ago, the state of Illinois thought it best to have me pass the written test just one more time. I didn't read the letter, taking for granted that this was to be an easy, pay the fee and go, process. After a 30 minute wait at the express renewal facility I was handed a study guide and sent to the full service processing office four blocks away. I went home.

This morning I appeared, well rested and having read the Illinois Rules of the Road, not at all confident that I could pass the test. I waited in one line, then another. I was called to the counter and sent to wait in another line, and then one more. In these four line experiences I heard my all time favorite question asked three times by three different people: "are you in line?".

To be clear, this is not a gem reserved only for license inspection offices. I've been asked this countless times in airports and grocery stores, and about once per week at the neighborhood Starbucks. Generally I nod and say, "why yes, yes I am waiting in this line behind this other person who is also waiting in line". What I really want to say is "No. No, I decided this very morning to go out into the world and find a group of people queuing up and just stand there with them with no purpose or intention, other than being close to another human being". Because for some reason, my person standing there is not clue enough, the real crime being mine when I leave any appropriate amount of space between me and the person waiting in front of me. That certainly creates confusion as to my intent, space being so ambiguous in this context.

And so, here in this place where we are all lined up, hoping to pass the test and be sent into the world with the full confidence of the state of Illinois in our ability to operate a car or truck or motorcycle, I think one should be intelligent enough to simply navigate the system. My concern is this: if you can't decide for yourself who is and who isn't waiting in line, can you really be trusted to know the difference between a red light and a green light?

With a picture that accurately reflects the 8 year time span since I last was licensed to drive, I was handed a shiny new drivers license. After six different lines, in which I showed my ability to queue up correctly, I passed the test. Aunt Margaret would be so proud.

Is Equality a Fairy Tale?

Jack and I celebrated a wedding anniversary this past Sunday. To honor our 12 glorious years together, I spent part of last night making phone calls to my local legislators encouraging them to vote in favor of marriage equality in Illinois.

Thankfully 12 years ago, when we got married, the state of Illinois didn't question our commitment to one another. They were not interested in our future plans, including whether or not we planned on having, or adopting children. Nowhere on the application did they ask about our birth order, only the priest that married us hesitated when he found that we were both first born, a snag that does raise it's ugly head from time to time. And because I am a girl and Jack is a boy we were allowed to marry in the state we called home. It was, and still is, a legal union.

Nine states have now legalized same sex marriage, Illinois is poised to be the tenth.

Curious 8 year old Mary listened intently as I explained why voicing your opinion matters, and why this particular subject is of interest to me.

"Me too Mom, I'm going to make a list for you, of things to say". She came up with only one thing, "some things are fair and some things are not fair and this is not fair".

"You know I think this is a little like a fairy tale, when the dumb old King gets to decide who is to marry, and they don't even get to say what they think. Isn't this that way, when someone else gets to say if you can marry? Shouldn't you just get to marry who makes you happy?".

Tonight Mary will be making the calls.

The Family Book, in Our Library

Three years ago, when I started working in the library at school, Jack delighted in calling me Tipper. Digging through books that had not been touched in 8 years, I tossed plenty that were out of date, out of touch and some, yes, that were inappropriate. Books on the hallucinogenic properties of mushrooms, written in 1974, did not fit in our growing elementary school library. The pictures scared me, the content was, at best, disturbing, and quite out of date.

It seems I am not the only Tipper in Illinois. Erie, on the far west border of the state, has decided that Todd Parr's The Family Book is not suitable for their grade school library. The happy text and bright colors, the beautiful messages found in all his books, are just not what the good people of Erie are looking for in their book collection. Todd Parr, it seems, is promoting the gay agenda by including these words in his book: some families have two moms or two dads.

Parents in Erie were perhaps concerned that exposing children to all kinds of family was not something that should happen at the grade school level, at least not in Erie. Which is then to assume that every family in Erie consists of two married heterosexuals, and a couple of children. There must not be any single parents or families with step parents and clearly there are no children living with grandparents. Maybe that is the case, I don't know, I've never been there.

And even though I've never been there, it doesn't mean I'm not curious about what I might find. Even if every family in Erie confirms to the rigor believed to be acceptable by the school board, families in the rest of the world do not. Someday children in Erie might leave, and come to Chicago, or further, having only known the strict definition of acceptable established in their hometown. 

Giving children the opportunity to see the world in every way teaches them understanding and compassion. And showing them diversity without labels takes away the different factor. The term gay is not used in our home, no more than we refer to ourselves as straight. The Family Book introduces the idea of two dads, or two moms, without assigning a name, without drawing attention to this idea being outside of what is considered normal. It's not the only one; We All Sing With the Same Voice, a beautiful song, now book, from Sesame Street, includes: "I have sisters one, two, three. In my family there's just me. I've got one daddy I've got two". And one of my favorite books, Everywhere Babies, includes in it's illustrations pictures of same sex parents right along with those of mixed sex parents, with no distinction or attention directed at either.

Making broccoli part of the meal, rather than a  weird looking side dish that they are forced to eat, helps children develop a taste for broccoli at a young age. We don't say "eat your vegetables", we say "eat your dinner". And liking broccoli does not mean you are going to grow up to be a vegetarian.

Wonderful Books

We All Sing With the Same Voice, J. Philip Miller, Sheppard M. Greene, Paul Meisel
Everywhere Babies, Susan Meyers and Marla Frazee
The Family Book, Todd Parr
Two Eggs, Please, Sarah Weeks and Betsy Lewin

Let's Go New York!

New York is on the brink of legalizing marriage between two men, or two women. Why must this be news? Why must we all care so much? Recently Illinois said that if you really wanted, and if it really mattered, you could come to our state and get committed, but not really married, not now, maybe someday. Good for Illinois, just a little bit good, but come on New York, show us up, show us how to really do this right. I'm committed to many things: safe schools, a diverse community, healthy food, happy children, but I'm only married to one, thing. Let's go New York!

I'm posting, again, something I wrote in November of 2008, when California decided to change their ways and un-marry all those same sex wild things who had foolishly jumped in to this marriage madness. My belief remains the same, why do we care?

One Step Back, posted originally on November 14, 2008

There are days, oh the days, when the husband drives me crazy, simply bonkers. He does not wash dishes, he'll load the dishwasher but he will not hand wash one thing. He leaves the television on when he leaves the room, and he does not love, he barely tolerates, Eleanor Roosevelt. But I know he's here to stay, we're married, like it or not and thankfully we do love each other. And we're a family, the four of us (plus Eleanor) and I am quite certain that tomorrow we will be a family and the next day and the next.

Oh to be a gay man or woman in California, to not have to live with this burden, this sense of security, this insane knowledge that my marriage is legal, condoned and accepted. What it would be like to know that tomorrow I may wake up to find that I'm no longer married, that this commitment I made is simply no longer valid? That this person living in my house with me is no longer my spouse but now my roommate? I've had several roommates in my lifetime, loved them all, but did not want to marry one of them.

And here we are, celebrating an election that puts us all one step ahead while voters in California (and three other states) said no, maybe not all of us, let's leave these people one step back. And why? Why is this important to so many people? It's important to me, it makes a difference in the lives of people I love, it affects how my children will see the world, but why does it matter to you?

This morning I overheard Mary and Kate playing, they were exchanging rings and announcing "now we are married". Moving past the sister issue, I love knowing that my children think it's just fine for a woman to marry a woman or a man to marry a man. I want to be able to introduce them to my friend Peter and his husband Brian, not his friend Brian. I'd like everyone to have this opportunity, to be attached to this other person on days when you think it's the greatest thing going and on days when you want to hang the other off the back porch. Why should this emotional tether be only the sport of heterosexual couples?

Years ago I was a guest at a commitment ceremony, two men, in Kansas City. Telling my dad, my Texas Aggie Republican Dad, about my day I got "why should I care if they get married?". Really Dad? I expected so much more. And that's it, why should it matter? If someone else wants their shot at happiness, why not?