Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Help Wanted?

As I ponder my return to the monetarily compensated workforce in September, I am reminded of the many characters with whom I have worked over the past twenty years:
  • a woman with boobs so large she would place them on the break room table and rest her head,
  • a boss who routinely cleaned his ears, and then inspected the loot, with the end of his glasses, in team meetings, client meetings, lunch meetings,
  • an administrative assistant who refused to allow her picture to be taken, ever,
  • a man who was convinced he was electronically charged and wore a grounding device, attached to his computer, and routinely forgot to remove it when he stood up,
  • a saleswoman who said to the owner of the Chicago Bears, "I read you are a real ass, is that true?", (he bought something from her),
  • a woman who bore a striking resemblance to the Golden Girls Rue McClanahan and said, when asked if she would breast feed, "ladies, these are for my husband",
  • a woman who drove a 1972 Nova to work while wearing a full length fur coat,
  • a waiter who attempted to guess the breast size of every, absolutely every, female customer,
  • a woman whose husband liked to drink to excess and urinate on the furniture,
  • a woman who, at every single holiday party, exposed some body part to those assembled,
  • an attorney who flaunted taking the Victoria's Secret catalog to the restroom,
  • a man who took a kitchen colander to the restroom with him to catch kidney stones,
  • a woman who chased down and stalked crazy customers in her free time,
  • a woman whose mother told her to bake pies to resolve conflicts with her "man", and she followed, and shared, that advice,
  • a woman whose roommate hit a pedestrian with her car, and
  • an assistant who microwaved potatoes in the break room for a dinner party she was having that night, at home.
In retrospect, life has been pretty dull, removed as I have been from the daily grind, and the daily escapades of my co-workers. And while I dread the thought of sending my charges off to kindergarten, this time soon over for us, I'm eager to be reunited with all the people who made my pre Mary and Kate days interesting. Although I could have lived without a few of them, every time I saw that colander walk across the bank lobby I felt a little less like pasta for dinner.


Jack said...

Weren't you the "roommate"?

Farrell said...

For the was a 1980 Chevy Malibu.


OJS said...

I am so glad I will never be working with you....

Anonymous said...

i love that your first instinct was to right about big boobs. you could right a book just one her. which one or ones were about GP?


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